Stop the world... I wanna get off!

do you ever look at you life a go "what the hell???" i have been doing that alot... i know i dont talk about it to my friends, but i cant seem to vocalize these things... so when i am laying in bed at night just thinking, cause i cant sleep and it is freekin 2:30 in the morning, i think over things and... i dont know... think that there has got to be somthing more...i mean i need a break... not like a vacation type of break, since i just had a pretty cool one with heather, but like a life break... some times i think life is moving way to fast for me. here i am with just about 1/3 of my life gone, and what have i got to show for it? lets review... here is what i always Thought would happen by the time i was 25

1. Graduated College
2. Be engaged, if not married
3. own a condo, if not a house
4. have a job that i actually LIKED, and would look forward to going to everyday... or atleast that i could say "yeah i work here" to people with out being embarassed

and here is how my life stands respectivly

1. still in school with AT LEAST 3 more years to go
2. I dont remember the last time i had a DATE, let alone a boyfriend... (i mean seriously... maybe 7 year since i had a boyfriend? i dont know...)...or a snog. the only guys i know are either GAY or to young for me (think like 7 years to young...)
3. I live alone with 3 cats in my mom's attic, which i feebaly call an apartment...
4. i work at Dunkin donuts for a little more than minimum wage. I HATE nay DREAD going to work. as soon as i leave on sunday i spend the rest of the week dreading going back. i am constantly worried about being fired for the stupidest little thing like wearing the wrong shoes or something... i cant call out, since i will be fired if i don't find my own replacement, so i go in sick more times than not. i dislike, if not hate 90% of the people i work with. i can think of only 3 people in the whole store that i dont want to kill atleast once in a shift. and most of the time there is so much drama and back-stabbing that it is a wonder i am still there.

so now what? there has got to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow right? right? i really am trying to look on the bright side of things most of the time, but... it is sooooo much easier to manage my friends lives than my own... and i know my friends try to help me out, but when i get to the moment and i am all alone... there is nothing there... nothing to say... it is easier said than done... i am sorta set in my ways... god that is horrible to say at 25 is it not?
sometimes i notice my self acting pessimistic so that i dont jinx anything... like i will say "oh i wont pass that test" when deep down i want to... or "he is just being nice cos he is that way" or "guys like that dont go for girls like me" but you know what? i desprately want them to... but all my tying to convince myself gets me nowhere...

i feal trapped... trapped in this never-ending monotany that is my life... every week it is the same... tomorrow i will wake up, clean my "apartment" go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, go to school, come home, go to bed get up, go to school...etc. until friday when i will get up, go to school, come home, go to work, come home go to bed...etc.

i am a sandwich person... like in kids in the hall... there are those people who go all through their miserable days and keep thinking to themselves "well at least i got that sandwich to look forward to".

which brings me to my food addiction... i am trying... REALLY trying to diet... but someimes i think... why? what is the point? noone is looking at me anyway. which makes me eat... which makes me depressed, which makes me eat... i go all day thinking when am i gonna eat next? some times when i miss a meal, or eat later i get shakes, and irritable... not because i am hypo-glycimic... or hungry... usualy i am NOT hungry... i dont know...

i just feal like the time i spend here is wasted... even now i am typing this when i should be asleep... i feal like nothing i do is ever gonna be good enough... i dont know... maybe it is just cos it is a quarter after 3 in the morning... and i know thinkgs wont look so bad in the morning... but you know what? after each morning is another night...
alone

ps. no i am not gonna off myself... i dont have a guts for that lol

pps. i really like the line about endless monotany... maybe Jacki will use it in her next story... lol